As I turn 80, I feel as though I am guiding the fragile watercraft of my life across a metaphorical lake. I find myself facing down the mist, hesitating before I enter it, as I cannot see what lies on the other side. I want to believe it is a beautiful place. But there is trepidation. I sailed easily through my 50th, 60th and 70th birthdays. Why does this one feel so different?
Being a chronically spiritual person, I look on this moment through the eyes of my soul. People wiser than I have spoken and written of spiritual "stages" that we pass through in our lives. How might I identify stages I have lived through? Am I now standing on the brink of a new one?
Looking back, I see clearly two stages: regulation and integration. Looking forward, peering into the mist, I sense a fearsome but refreshing invitation: transformation.
When I was a child, the words "religion" and "rules" occurred in the same thought, the same breath. Do not lie, do not steal, do not cheat, do not call others bad names, honor Mom and Dad, and go to church on Sunday. Go to the right church, and Jesus will love you.
One second grade morning, I was accosted by a classmate who demanded to know if I was a Protestant or a Catholic. Hands on hips, I sternly declared that I was neither. "I am a Methodist!"
In my New York high school, I was one of three Christian students in our group of college preppers. The others were the smart Jewish kids who got together after school to help each other with homework. I envied them, but was not one of them. I firmly believed that various groups of God-followers were separated from one another by deep, uncrossable chasms.
As I entered adulthood, such regulation moved into integration. After four years of majoring in religion at a Methodist university, I became a Catholic (a story for another time) and took a job as a full-time parochial liturgy director, directing the arts and ministries of the parish. I was also an improvisational sacred dancer, and taught dance groups around the United States and in Australia in a wide variety of denominations: Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Episcopal, Catholic, Congregational, Unitarian and Mennonite.